Friday, July 1, 2016

Ramblings from the thunder-thighed blasian I

So you probably know I'm a writer. That one type that can magically and often effortlessly make words appear on her screen. As I'm typing this I'm dealing with a laptop whose curser miraculously keeps shifting all over my damn screen. I'm not completely sure what is up, but I've the feeling my laptop is fed up with life.

Flash forward to a few mins later...

I gave up. I waved the white flag. I just turned off my laptop and decided to continue this post on my phone. So another update without any visual content is what this'll pretty much be. It's strange, I haven't been motivated at all to blog ever since I got here. And trust, it's not because I've been too busy hanging out and about all day long. I guess you can call it writers block. I've been trying for weeks to get through Julia Cameron's 'Artist Way', but those darn 3 pages of de-cluttering my mind every morning has been a huge task I've still to master.

Of course it doesn't help that my laptop has been acting up for a while now, also making it highly cumbersome to finish writing my thesis (let's not even get into the statistical side of it -- and NO I haven't had any time yet to pick out any giveaway winners and seen as this is Paroja IDGAF month I won't apologize for it either), my camera decided to pretty much act a fool as soon as I stepped on the plane to London.

So I do have pictures, which I was planning to share but oh you know petty laptop problems, but most of them were taken with my phone. Which isn't bad. But... It's not desirable either. Still managed to sneak some pics in!

Man, do I come off as a Negative Nancy or what? I'm not sad or anything at all. A bit more stoic maybe in this entire experience. This is my first time in Asia and I still have to get used to the fact that for once I blend in with the majority. In Toronto I had the same experience, only then it was about being non-white in contrast to now it being about looking Asian. Although I'm really grateful for the opportunity and feel more than blessed to be here, the experience is quite different from 3 years ago. Maybe it's because Canada was more in my comfort zone, being born and raised in the West. Perhaps, and most likely, it's because I've grown older and more mature.

As the weeks, months and years pass by things fall more into place and I get more accustomed to the fact that I might've been searching for home in the wrong places. Considering myself to be a cosmopolitan citizen I couldn't bear the idea of 1) settling down and staying in one place year after year, especially 2) not in the small country I live in. It's not because I don't appreciate the country and its culture -- let's put aside the fact that those nationalistic tokkies scare the fuck out of me and my well-being, and how highly frightening and de-motivating almost it can be to live in NL as a person of color. Quit acting like NL is all glitz and glam when it comes to tolerance, it's utter bull -- but I've never really felt as if it's my home.

Just this feeling of not being welcome because of your ethnic background, feeling of having to prove yourself over your white Dutch counterparts in the already tiring ratrace of life, the idea that you'll never be accepted as one to represent the country -- never claimed to be one of 'them' -- unless you accomplish something major that earns you a mention in the newspapers.

FYI, I'm pretty much done with my laptop that refuses to turn off no matter what I do to it and keeps interrupting me with its motor spinning like there's no tomorrow.

I've spend my entire life craving and trying to run away from people that try to denigrate marginalized groups, looking for a place where I'd feel accepted despite my non-white and also mixed background. When I got to Toronto I felt like I was in such a place for the first time. I hoped for a similar feeling here in Singapore, but something in me stopped looking for it as soon as I settled in daily life here. My priorities shifted. And now more than ever something dawned on me. By running away from the life I'm used to, just because I don't feel accepted, I'm also running away from that very thing that makes a place feel like home in the first place: the love from your family and friends.

So yes, I've been experiencing some home-sickness the past week. I'd love to visit Singapore again in the future, but definitely by staying at a nice hotel and enjoying the great Singapore cuisine I've read to much about. The school canteen meals are definitely value for money, but not quite seductive to either my sight or tastebuds. I guess I'm old and spoiled, but I'd rather sit on a terrace with a loved one, some good (probably a bit pricier) food and a yummy glass of wine any day. Again, this is IDGAF month, so Joe! if the previous sentence makes you feel some typa way about me.

Yesterday I had one of the best days here so far, hanging out with a local I met through the FB planning community! It's so comforting to engage with people that have similar interests in life and who feel truly genuine in their interaction with you. I hope I'll be able to hang out with her again before I leave SG even though she's enabling my planning addiction. I've been lurking on the Kikki K website for too long now and I'm on the verge of becoming obsessed. I still have at least a year left in my Happy Planner (which I still LOVE, don't get me wrong), but oh the urge, the craving, the need "saya perluuu" I rapidly developed for owning a Kikki K planner. It's not completely sudden, seen as I initially wanted the A5 Kikki K before realizing the shipping costs were absolutely ludicrous (yes, I typed ludacris at first don't judge). But you know, it's completely unnecessary. Maybe as a graduation gift to myself? *looking for excuses to shop*

Btw, I bought some beauty stuff. But I'm not thát easily fazed by nude or mauve colored lip liners anymore. I'd rather score some washi or sticky notes. Haven't reviewed a makeup product for my blog in ages either, not because I haven't been buying any, but. Sometimes you just feel like it's pointless you know. I love blogging for memories sake ánd because I like to inform people. I'm that type of person to analyze the shit out of anything beforehand (e.g. going on vacation, choosing a course etc. etc.), but unfortunately I can't always find what I'm looking for on the web. And so I blog because I like to look back at my stuff and so I can help people out who are looking for unbiased opinions and/or pictures of places or products. But now it just feels like whatevs. Rather help people in actual need.

Man, I could ramble on and on for so long. But it's 02:27 and I should probably get some sleep if I want to be productive tomorrow. I think I need some kaya toast and eggs! Maybe visit the mall to get a hit (in the form of planning supplies).

My conclusion of the day is that more and more I'm accepting the fact that Amsterdam is indeed my home. And I miss home because of all the loved ones who are there, and I wish they were here to share this experience with. Skyping is just not the same. I think I'll try to post more about my actual stay instead of mind ramblings, as soon as I'm finished with my thesis. We must also not forget that I'm here to study and that I actually have homework to do and assignments to hand in for NUS. More about that some other time. And more about the title of this post in a future post as well. So far I've been to a handful of malls, had a drink on top of a rooftop bar (on the 62th floor) and visited the island Pulau Ubin.

Happy Keti Koti and Canada Day loves! I'm off to bed now, lah. IDGAF if I just used the word in a wrong context, lol.

p.s. Although I'm not posting much on here or FB, I've been Snapchatting pretty much every day. So if you want to stay updated real-time, add me at SefanjaRubina!